Bartender
by Catsitta
Summary: Two dead sociopaths walk into a bar...FF7/Death Note crossover. Oneshot. Implied M/M if you squint. Parody.


**A/N:** My first crossover! This was an idea that just wouldn't go away. Thank you ObviouslyADeathNoteFan for being a good sport and beta'ing this. ^_^

 **Summary:** Two dead sociopaths walk into a bar...FF7/Death Note crossover. Oneshot. Implied M/M if you squint. Parody.

 **Bartender**

 **By Catsitta**

"Hey, Teef, who's the creep at table two?"

Tifa Lockheart, bartender extraordinaire and former world-saving hero, merely shrugged. All kinds showed up at Seventh Heaven, but what could you expect when you opened shop in the afterlife? The Lifestream was a funny thing—they weren't dead, per se, but neither were they alive. Until their souls decided to move on from limbo, they were stuck here in this strange state of between. At least she was never alone. Cloud was a near constant presence and their other companions from the Meteor crisis often visited her little watering hole.

Today was a slow day. Only the blond swordsman sat at the bar and a strange, homeless-looking fellow was perched oddly in a chair nearby. Tifa continued wiping the glass in her hand.

"I'm not sure, he doesn't talk much," she said after a moment, wine-colored eyes flitting to the stranger. "I think he's waiting for someone."

"Huh...is he drinking tea?"

Tifa snorted, "No. he's drinking sugar with some tea dribble on top of it."

"Who drinks tea at a bar?"

"Aerith."

"Well, she's Aerith."

"Cloud..."

Their conversation was interrupted when the bell above the door jingled and three men stepped in. Heavy boots thudded against the wooden floor. One would think ex-SOLDIERs would walk more stealthily. Cloud sighed and leaned against a propped elbow.

"Here we go again."

"It's not a requirement that you get into a fight with him."

"He's my archenemy!"

"He's dead."

"Well, he starts it."

"I'm fairly sure he only does it to get a reaction, and it's your fault for acting the way you do."

"How else am I supposed to act when he threatens to reenact Nibelhiem? Let him burn the place down and stick his sword into me again?"

" _Sounds like quite the party."_

Both Tifa and Cloud turned. Genesis, the red-clad member of the trio, stood grinning behind the blond, his head tilted slightly to the side, his feather earring dangling impishly. With narrowed eyes, Cloud tried to stare down the auburn SOLDIER, but Genesis was content to ignore him and lean over the bar. He flashed Tifa a dazzling smile.

"Hello again, love. Can we get a round of the usual?"

"Sure thing!"

"Teef!"

"Oh shush, Cloud. They're paying customers."

As Tifa began to prepare drinks, she noticed Cloud and Sephiroth glaring at each other from across the room. Well, Cloud was glaring. Sephiroth was gazing back with an expression that was either seductive or murderous. It was hard to tell with the guy. What was obvious, however, was that he would never leave Cloud alone. They would be forever haunting each other in the afterlife and perhaps in the next life. She wasn't sure how a green-eyed, silver-haired sociopath with a god-complex and a leather fetish would translate reincarnation wise, but Gaia obviously had a plan...maybe.

The bartender sighed.

Was this going to turn into another fight?

Those two always wrecked her bar...

"Here you go," Tifa said, sliding a tray towards Genesis. The SOLDIER winked before flouncing off with his order. He was one of the few customers that never looked down her shirt. It almost made up for the number of fireballs the bastard threw when drunk off his ass.

"Teeef! He won't stop looking at me."

"Just ignore Sephiroth."

"Not him. The creepy guy."

Oh! The new customer. Tifa glanced over to see the odd man staring blankly in Cloud's direction. Poor guy. He had these huge bags under his eyes, like he hadn't slept in weeks. This was the Lifestream, they were supposed to be at peace. Whoever he left behind must have been very important. Picking up the teapot that manifested the first time the stranger arrived at the bar, Tifa walked over to him and politely topped off his cup.

He turned his unblinking, black stare on her.

"Is there anything else you need?" Tifa asked cheerily. She made sure that her long, brunette hair was falling over her shoulder, accentuating her features as best as she could. A little flirting went a long way in her business. He stared at her for a few more seconds before pointedly looking away. His knees were tucked to his chest, bare feet balancing his weight on the seat of the chair. He looked almost childlike this way.

As Tifa began to walk away, she swore she heard him mutter, "He should be here by now."

So he was waiting for someone.

A family member?

A friend?

A lover?

She giggled softly. Despite having to break up the idiots when drunk and the constant sexual harassment, Tifa oh-so-loved her job. She got to break a few skulls and listen to everyone's life story, all in the same day!

The little bell above the door jingled. Another customer. Tifa stepped behind the bar just in time to hear china hit the floor. The strange man was standing, a peculiar expression on his face. Was this who he was waiting for? Tifa blinked. Well, whoever he was, he didn't look like the sort to consort with the bedraggled stranger.

In a stylish suit was one of the handsomest young men Tifa had laid her eyes on, and she had seen some lookers. With hair that fell softly over intelligent brown eyes, a kind smile and a confident lilt to his walk, he was every inch a son of money. He reminder he somewhat of Rufus ShinRa.

"Welcome to Seventh Heaven, what can I get for you?"

The young man shook his head, "Oh, nothing."

" _Light is perfectly aware that I am right here."_

He glanced at the bedraggled man. So that's what he sounded like. Well, the monotone suited him. And Light...was that the young man's name? Hm. It fit him too. Light.

"Hey Cloud, see, you're not the only one with a pretty name."

"Shuddup. Not my fault my mother thought that Cloud was a nice, Continental-sounding name. She spoke only Nibel for Planet's sake."

CLACK!

All eyes shot to Light and the homeless-looking stranger. Tifa wasn't sure what to think. The pair was squared off, but Light seemed more annoyed than angry or fearful of the cuff attached to his wrist. A chain hung between them. Where in the world did that thing come from?

"This again, L? It's not like you can arrest me now."

"Light will pay for his crimes!"

"Still sour about the whole killing you thing? It's been, what, four years?"

"Light was my friend!"

"You have terrible judgement."

The pair fell silent for a few beats before the one named L spoke up again.

"Why is Light here?"

Light plucked at the chain between them, "Getting shot the number of times I did does tend to end one's life."

"No. Why is Light _here_. He should be in Mu."

"Maybe this is Mu. After all, I do not think this is either heaven or hell..."

Heaven? Hell? Those weren't places mortal souls went. All life went into the Lifestream to be cleansed and returned to the Planet. Only the Cetra could go onto the Promised Land, and only the divine could traverse the lands known as Heaven and Hell.

And what was Mu?

These people had to be from one of those other worlds. In death, all life from all versions of reality, returned to the Lifestream. She met some very interesting people this way. It was strange to think of a world where ShinRa never took over the world or one where Mako was never discovered and magic was left sleeping.

"Look, L, just take off the handcuff. This got old after the first month."

Month? What were they doing with a set of handcuffs with ten feet of chain for over a month?

" _Kinky."_

Tifa pressed a hand to her chest. Genesis was standing at the bar, peering lasciviously at the pair. "Oh, it's just you."

"You wound me, my love."

"Another round?"

"Oh yes~!"

Tifa began to prepare drinks as she idly listened to the duo continue to bicker.

"Someone had to stop Kira from taking over the world!"

"I wasn't trying to take over the world, just make it safe for the good people. I still don't understand why you care if criminals died. They were nothing but a plague."

"Light is not God!"

"I could have been."

" _Sounds like someone we both know."_

Tifa gave Genesis the drinks. "How is Sephiroth handling being officially dead and unable to wipe the human scourge from the surface of the Planet?"

"As well as one might think."

"That bad?"

"He comes here with us to let off steam. It just so happens his favorite toy frequents here as well."

"I'm not a toy!" Cloud was flushed red all the way to his spiky hair.

"Puppet? Clone? Copy?"

"Shuddup!"

"Cloud, put down the sword. You know better."

"But Teeeeef."

"No buts, put it down."

"But I neeeed it."

"Why?"

"Because Sephiroth is right there! Gah! He's walking this way."

Cloud tried to grab his sword off the bar, but Tifa grabbed it and pulled it beyond his reach.

"Behave."

"He's going to try to kill me!"

"He never does anything until you start swinging."

"She's quite right."

Cloud jumped from his chair to glare at Sephiroth. He was towering above the blond, his arched bangs framing an angelic face. Why did evil have to look so pretty?

"I'll never forgive you for what you've done!"

"How cliché," Sephiroth said coolly, his arms crossed. "And here I thought we could be friends."

The sarcasm went straight over Cloud's head, whistling its grand trip past.

"I will never be friends with you!"

"Is this about the flower girl? She wasn't _that_ pretty."

Cloud bobbed his jaw like a goldfish, "Don't you dare talk about her! You killed her like you killed all those other innocent people! You tried to wipe off all life on the Planet!"

"Is there a point to this tirade?"

Tifa grabbed Cloud and hauled him onto the bar when he tried to lunge at his nemesis bare-fisted, "Cloud, no! He's trying to provoke you."

" _Get back here, Light!"_

" _How about...no?"_

Light sat down, clearly trying to ignore the man joined to him at the wrist. L was pulling at the chain, quite harshly given how violently Light's arm moved and the subtle flinch on the young man's face.

"Do you serve sake?"

"We have a nice selection of flavored-Wutainese sakes."

"Wutainese? Eh. Surprise me."

He did not seem phased by the fact that Tifa was practically pinning Cloud to the bar to keep him from attacking Sephiroth. Smiling, she dragged her captive onto her side and gave him a thump on the head. "Stay." Cloud crossed his arms but complied, remaining on the floor. Swiftly, Tifa poured the warm drink into a small cup and gave it to the young man.

"When did Light start drinking?"

"Why do you care? Now shove off and suck on a pocky stick."

Well then. Apparently Light knew about L's preference for sweets. They seemed strangely close for enemies.

"Is something on my face?" Light said suddenly.

Sephiroth dropped from his standing position to sit in what was formerly Cloud's seat. He was watching Light was keen interest. With his mako-enhanced hearing, he had to have heard the entire argument between the pair.

" _You_ tried to become a god?"

Light sipped his sake, "Is there a point to this line of questioning? Do you want to swap notes or something?"

"Genesis does say I need to make more friends."

"Let me guess, the BDSM outfit is a bit off-putting?"

"Yet here you are."

"Eh. I found a Death Note a shinigami dropped, a notebook that allowed me to kill people by writing their names down while picturing their faces." Light jabbed a thumb at L. "This one was a real pain to off since he never told anyone his name. I had to have someone else take care of it. And let me tell you, it is no easy task to get a shinigami to do anything."

"Hm. Don't like getting blood on your hands?"

"Too messy. And what kind of detective would I be if I were, as they say, caught red-handed?"

" _Teeef_! Are the crazy people bonding?"

Tifa gave Cloud a slight kick, "Shush."

She hadn't listened to something this interesting in years!

-fin-

 **A/N: (Thanks for reading! Reviews are love!)**


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